a conversation with the smart and sexay neil kramer
July 15, 2008
(It’s always so fun to talk with Neil in IM)
Neil: What are you doing?
Me: I am just dicking around.
Neil: Can a woman dick around?
Me: I have an invisible dick, so yes. I think about my invisible dick while I am fucking the ladies.
Neil: No u don’t.
Me: True, I don’t. I kinda do.
Neil: Are u attracted to women too?
Me: You clearly never read Sprigs. You are a skimmer.
Neil: Well, that was poetic.
Me: You were only there for the exposure. There weren’t poems on Sprigs. That came on Sublimation.
Neil: I mostly remember you playing with yourself in a nunnery.
Me: I always do.
Neil: And why did you stop Sprigs?
Me: I am dumb. Wish I’d kept it. Imagine the following I would have by now.
Neil: So put it back again. What do u need a following for? Are u a religious leader?
Me: Fuck you, following-getter. You are the quintessential following-getter.
Neil: Nah, not really.
Me: I beg to differ. Start a new blog, then, like Brandon. Do it anonymously. Don’t cultivate audience, and see how long you last.
Neil: So do u think it was cool of him to do that?
Me: I think everything Brandon does is cool. I would pour wax on him and worship him if I could. Masturbate on his altar.
Neil: Jeez, and what makes him cooler than me?
Me: Him.
Neil: His essence?
Me: His writing always cuts to the core of things. He licks words up like butterflies and opens his mouth to mine, setting them free inside me.
Neil: And I am just a court jester … is that what u are saying?
Me: I am saying you have totally different ways of approaching writing, equally valid. It’s like brands. Tylenol, Advil.
Neil: So if you had the choice of sleeping with one of us …
Me: You are Tylenol. He is Advil. I would sleep with neither of you.
Neil: Well, you have to. It would be Brandon … right?
Me: I am just saying: Advil lasts all day.
Neil: Even though realistically, I am separated and he is happily married. All because of his writing?
Me: Yes, and because he once offered to send me a book he thought I’d like, and he’d written in the margins.
Neil: I am much taller.
Me: Tylenol does relieve my migraines. You have a funny voice, though.
Neil: That is true.
Me: You would release moths into my mouth. I like moths, too. One flew into my eye once because it thought I was the sun.
Neil: No one likes moths.
Me: I do.
Comments
18 Responses to “a conversation with the smart and sexay neil kramer”
Got something to say, toughguy?
This is my blog wherein I, Dana Guthrie Martin, write things and stuff. Most of the time, writing and I hobble along in a sort of three-legged race where there is no finish line. (more...)
I love poetry for the unemployment it causes, for how it constrains one to work always beyond one’s own intelligence, for its not requiring one to rise socially. — Les Murray
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beg, borrow, but don't steal
This work is licensed under Creative Commons. If you don’t credit Dana (by using her full name and preferably by linking back to the appropriate post) for however you copy, distribute, transmit or adapt her words, you are being bad. And naughty. And she will have her servant monkeys hunt you down and cut your hands off so you can never copy, distribute, transmit or adapt anyone’s work again and call it your own.
(Unless, of course, you were to use your butt cheeks to manipulate your keyboard with the copying, distributing, transmitting, adapting and whatnot, but Dana fortunately has only met one person whose butt cheeks are that talented. He could play a major third on a piano using nothing but his ass. She kids you not.).
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flick, flick, flick
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i cannot be bought
Wait… Sprigs was really poetry-free? I remember the overwhelming amount of prose (not that it overwhelmed me, but the amount of poetry), but I thought there was *some* poetry. Were you not posting any at the beginning of PT?
(As both your professional stalker and wife, I should know this.)
p.s. Who’s Brandon?
Oh! And! What are you two being all chatty for? You are fresh exes. Shouldn’t there be some more animosity here??
(My jealous wife reaction had a momentary response-time glitch there.)
Blythe, you CAUGHT me. I did start writing poems while I was still running Sprigs, but only about 6 months into it, and I only shared them on Thursdays.
Leave it to my wife to see right through me when I am lie-telling.
Oh, this validates one of the few strongholds left in my ego… that of my infallible memory…
So yes, who is Brandon, and this is a very bizarre but rather illuminating IM in a 1000 watt lightbulb kind of way *grin*. Moths, ugh, I hate moths and butterflies too…..but that I do as a close, shiveringly good.
Neil is a manwhore. Don’t IM with him unless you’re wearing a condom on your invisible dick, and I hope you had a prenup because if you have a Webcam he’s going after it in the settlement.
Blythe, we had this conversation while we were still married. Don’t worry, honey. I am totally devoted to you, in that cheesy Grease way. You be Olivia; I’ll be John.
Jo, oh Brandon? Um …. he’s only the greatest blogger who ever walked the face of the earth. I found him through Neil when I first started blogging back in 2005. I was hooked from the first post I read, then I read his entire blog. His blog embodied everything I wanted my writing to be: introspective, honest, deeply felt, expertly articulated, sensual. I mean sensual in the broadest sense, the way all the best poets and writers are sensual.
He shut his wildly popular blog down after three years and now operated out of this little joint: http://www.brandonoana.com/
V-grrrl, I always wear a condom on my invisible dick. And I know how to handle Neil. You just have to get rough with him once in a while and let him know when he’s full of shit (which is quite often). But then again, I think he likes it when
womenwomen are mean to him.Brandon gets so few comments now. I get over twenty-five comments… every day! Long, enthusiastic comments! Surely that makes me better than him!
Neil, dude ~ give it up already. Just be Tylenol and be happy with being Tylenol. A lot of people prefer Tylenol. I myself sometimes take Advil along *with* Tylenol. How’s that for kinky?
i met neil and he is indeed taller than me, plus he is a lot nicer and more attentive than i am in real life. i am bad medicine and should not be mixed with alcohol.
Brandon, haaaaaaaaai. *twirls hair*. Sorry to be so frank about my feelings for you. Had to be done. You rock. And all that.
If you’re over 5′9″, it’s all good. Any shorter, and you’ll have to wear lifts to get me hot.
I love combining Advil and alcohol. I have this great riesling that goes with you quite nicely.
(I really don’t sit around IMing about you, if that’s what you’re thinking. It just came up naturally as I was razzing Neil when he said he doesn’t cultivate an audience. Heh. Such a load of crap.)
Ha Ha, busted as a crazy stalker, Dana! Brandon thinks you are crazy now, so you are stuck with me.
Neil, don’t you know that was all my devisive way of reeling him in?
This is one hilarious commentary………I’ll check both those dudes out tonight and decide for myself *wink*. God I typed wank first, glad I noticed that one…….
Jo:
1. Please wank yourself. Much entertianing, that would be.
2. Don’t judge Brandon by that clown logo up there. He’s not as puffy as that clown getup makes him look.
good lord, this was hilarious to read.