is it wrong of me to want to have david cook sing to me in person while i am totally naked? (alternatively titled ‘the one wherein i use a lot of italics for emphasis, not to mention all the parentheses’)
May 23, 2008
Here’s the dealio. I am (terribly) ashamed to admit it, but I watched American Idol this season. Me. American Idol. Watched. Me, a person who doesn’t really watch TV. (You’d think I’d select something brainier and more sophisticated like ResearchChannel or at least PBS. But no: I chose Idol.)
How on earth did this come about, you ask? In my defense, I did not watch the whole season, just everything that took place once the select few were chosen to go to Hollywood.
Also in my defense, David Cook is hot. That’s what I have to say about that. I am so happy he won, as opposed to the other David, who is adorable and tiny and all, kind of like a demitasse tea cup or a designer puppy, but who simply isn’t hot. (Even if he were hot, I wouldn’t be able to admit it, since he’s underage. But he’s not, so it’s a nonissue. He is cute, as in I-want-to-pinch-your-cheeks-and ruffle-your-hair cute; I will admit that much. But hot? Not so much.)
If you don’t think David Cook ? or at least his singing ? is hot, you should really watch this video of him singing Michael Jackson’s “Billy Jean.” Nobody but him could make a song about impregnating a woman then denying his paternity sound so luscious. (Yes, I said luscious. A cheesy and retro word fer sure, but that’s how I feel about it.)
But would you expect any less from an experienced singer and songwriter whose life as a musician started well before he hit the Idol stage? I have to admit that’s another reason David appeals to me ? he’s not someone Idol “made.” Instead, he went on the show on his own terms (for the most part, except for some of the silly songs, like that one by Roberta Flack, that he was forced to sing sang). He used the forum to rise to the top and build an audience of flush, panting, pantiless fans. (OK, maybe that describes me in particular and not all his fans.) But I also feel a little bit bad for him. Now he has to be the American Idol bitch, for a while anyway.
Case in point: He was given a custom chopper for winning the competition. That sounds pretty damn cool until you learn that the faces of the Idol judges are painted on it and it has a ginormous eighth note on the back. It’s also Wal-Mart blue, like one of Elton John’s tackier jackets. In fact, it looks a lot like something Elton John would ride. Now that I think of it, David should give the bike to Elton John, for in so doing he would undoubtedly right something in the universe, restoring the balance the world so desperately needs.
If you don’t believe me about the bike, check out some photos of it here. Can you imagine him being forced to toodle about on such a monstrosity? That is one surefire way to transform a cool guy into a loser, kind of like this otherwise attractive guy I went to high school with who insisted on wearing acid-wash jeans with a matching acid-wash denim jacket, and a matching acid-wash denim hat. (*rolls eyes*)
Besides his looks and his voice, I like the fact that David is from a suburb of Kansas City, Mo., where I lived for 17 years. And, he moved to Oklahoma, where I was born and lived for the first 17 years of my life. See, we have a connection.
(But I do have to wonder why anyone would move to Oklahoma. Most of the people I know have run far and fast from Oklahoma. And with good reason. This is the place, after all, where an editorial once appeared in a major newspaper stating that “homosexuals” were “mainstreaming Satanism.” I believe the title of the editorial was “Homosexuals Mainstreaming Satanism.” Sure, that was 18 years ago … but still. It’s a ludicrous assertion now, some might say asinine, and it was a ludicrous assertion in 1990.)
What is my point? I don’t remember, as is often the case when I delve into these meandering posts. Oh, I know. David. Cook. Is. Hot.
The only problem I can find with David is one thought about him that I can’t shake: He was seven years old when I started college. That idea makes me feel like a sexual deviant: I imagine him on a playground somewhere and me driving by flashing my rack at him. But more importantly, this thought makes me feel old. Fine. I am old, but I haven’t yet learned to face it. I just hope David wouldn’t mind the thought of singing in person to an older (naked) woman.
Listen. Here’s how hot I think David Cook is: It doesn’t even phase me that he reminds me of this guy I used to work with, someone who was way good-looking but kept sandwiches in his desk drawers and spoke in such a soft voice that everything he uttered sounded more like a gentle breeze riffling long blades of grass than like human vocalizations. I could barely understand whatever it was he was trying to communicate.
And trust me, I was listening hard, intent on befriending this guy, because I am not one to turn away good-looking company, even if that company keeps sandwiches in his desk drawers. I should point out that there was meat on said sandwiches, and I challenge anyone to tell me that the idea of pulling a warm meaty sandwich out of a desk drawer and eating it isn’t downright disturbing.
I eventually had to stop talking to that guy because I couldn’t hear him, despite my best efforts. It was sad, really. For me, mostly. I don’t think he cared one way or the other about continuing, or not continuing, to talk to me. (That’s what happens when you are the less attractive person in any pairing. You become the one who wants, not the one who is wanted. Not that I wanted him, exactly. I was spoken for at the time. But you get the idea. I mean wanted in a friendly way. And by friendly I don’t mean sexual. Well, maybe a little. What? I’m just being honest. Geez.) Thereafter I would walk past his cubicle, see him eating a sandwich and silently shake my head.
So yes, it doesn’t bother me that David reminds me of Sandwich Guy. Nor does it bother me that he tends to wear some kind of stretchy-but-loose pants that look like something from the pre-Lycra days ? the kind of fabric that used to be tight but during the course of the day became loose in all the wrong places, and by that I mean the knees and the rear end. You know what I am talking about ladies ? that is, if you were in high school in the ’80s and bought into the cotton stretchpants phenomenon. Those were wrong on so many levels. Cotton might be the fabric of our lives but it’s not the fabric we should try to stuff ourselves into and wear as a second skin. That’s why God invented pleather.
OK … well. I think my work on this topic is done. In closing, I want to state that in no way is this post endorsed or supported by American Idol or Simon Cowell nor is it designed to upset my husband or make light of the forever-and-ever bond the two of us have. He is my Loveshack, and always will be. David can’t do nothin bout that.
(Psst. Call me, David.)
(I’m just kidding. Don’t call me.)
((Call me, Dave. Do it.))
Comments
21 Responses to “is it wrong of me to want to have david cook sing to me in person while i am totally naked? (alternatively titled ‘the one wherein i use a lot of italics for emphasis, not to mention all the parentheses’)”
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This is my blog wherein I, Dana Guthrie Martin, write things and stuff. Most of the time, writing and I hobble along in a sort of three-legged race where there is no finish line. (more...)
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1) THANK YOU. I needed a new infatuation desperately, and this David Cook fellow will work just fine.
2) Is it just me, or do guys who can sing well automatically get bumped up a few levels of hotness just for their voice?
3) I totally watched the ENTIRE season of American Idol season 3. No shame.
So I’ve watched American Idol the last few seasons for a number of reasons. One, because I worked in an office where 90% of my coworkers would discuss it over coffee in the morning and I like to be able to seem like I’m part of the gang. Two, because my mom and grandma watched it, so it was fun to bond over. Three, because it’s addicting.
I laughed out loud - like deep belly laughing - at this post. This is totally hysterical. I think that David Cook is going to have to get used to the fact that he’s a hottie AND quite possibly the most talented Idol we’ve had so far. Killer combo. And killer dimples.
Thanks for the confessional - so fun to read!
I don’t always watch American Idol, but I think this season is quite good. It hasn’t finished here yet. But we do know who won, because our daily newspaper decided to proclaim it in large headlines. Even though I like American Idol, I don’t think it’s news, and gee - spoilers!
Anyway, I totally agree with you about the Davids (wasn’t there another David earlier on?) David Archuleta is someone I can totally imagine mothering. Therefore not Idol material, no matter how well he can sing.
I rather liked the Australian guy - Michael Johns - and the Irish girl - Carly. Maybe they got voted off earlier than they deserved for not being American enough. It was interesting that whenever someone sang a really patriotic song, Simon said “that was a really smart song choice”. I did wonder what the British judge would say when someone started singing about how wonderful America is.
Blythe, here’s the other dealio: David Cook really isn’t THAT hot. He looks a little funny from certain angles, which is something I can’t fault him for. I’ve taken snapshots of myself from various angles, just to get a 360-degree idea of what I really look like to others, and I have to admit some of my angles aren’t pretty. Not. At. All.
But yes, he is attractive on many levels. Case in point: this photo. He’s absolute perfection in that shot.
And what about this photo? (You have to scroll down past the other David to see the real David.) He’s so approachably cute there, although I don’t care for him quite as much in a vest. It’s so 1986.
The other thing about him that I have to forewarn you about is that, for most of the season, he had really bad hair. Emo hair. Kind of a slicked down comb-over-in-the-front type of thing. It’s not pretty. If you stumble on photos or video of him while he had this hairstyle, it will truly test your love of David. If you can look past this flaw, your love is true. If not, you should look elsewhere for a crush and leave David for me.
And yes, guys are hotter when they sing well. Or when they play the guitar well. Or the saxaphone. Or the trumpet.
But not the oboe. No, definitely not the oboe. Or the clarinet. Or the trombone. Or the French horn.
Hi Laura,
I totally understand the peer pressure to watch a TV series. I felt it at my first job, where everyone would convene to talk about the latest episode of ER the morning after the show. That was when George Clooney was still on, and he was sleeping around on that attractive woman he was dating ~ the one with the full lips and the dark hair.
I worked in an office full of women, and they were terribly upset with George. I felt like I needed to watch the show just to fit in. But I really didn’t care about it, and I didn’t think George was hot or anything. I couldn’t get past seeing him as that character he played on “The Facts of Life.”
But I watched it. Just as you watch Idol. I really think at this point that Idol should just go away, for the good of the people. Too many of us get sucked in and don’t do other productive things as a result.
Or perhaps the show should become a giant telethon, where people can call in every week and make donations to charity. They could have a different charity each week, and the contestants could choose the charities to which the donations would be given. They could even make donating a mandatory part of voting.
That would be good. Really, really good. That might keep me watching Idol, and I might even pick up the phone and vote.
Catherine, I’m sorry the ending has been spoiled for you. Just don’t go on YouTube and watch the finale or anything, because then it would really be spoiled.
There was another David earlier on, and I absolutely hated his voice. I think he made it to the top 12 or something, and he did NOT deserve a place there. He sounded so boy band and he was always doing runs on every single note even when it was totally inappropriate to do so. I’m just sayin’.
I liked Michael and Carly, too. I thought they should have stayed in longer, but that’s what happens when you let the people decide. Hence our current President. Oh wait, the people didn’t decide on him, since he did not, after all, win the popular vote.
But I digress. Your point about Simon praising people for singing patriotic songs is interesting. I don’t mind him overall, but his idea of a good tune leaves something to be desired, doesn’t it. Patriotic songs always kind of gross me out.
I had a feeling that maybe they grossed Simon out, too - being British. He never said he “liked” it. He just said that was a really smart song choice, i.e. it will pull in votes. He was probably right.
Yeah, he’s right about a lot of things. But not everything. On YouTube, I went back and watched the first performances each contestant gave right after being chosen to come to Hollywood, and he said no to David Cook. I’d say that was pretty much not on the mark.
He IS hot! I still know hot when I see it!
Not to mention, we have the exact SAME hairdo! We do!
I was hoping DC would win (it’s still running over here …) I agree he is BY FAR the hottest - and not only that, he sings so well,
Pepek, which hairdo do you all share ~ the early one or the one he had toward the end of the show?
CB, sorry if I spoiled the ending for you!
My hair (and his) always looks like we’ve been swept through a whirling vortex and just barely made it out alive…but his beard is a little heavier than mine. I think.
Pepek, I think that sounds like a cool hairdo. The beard I’m not so sure about.
Dana: Sometimes I read your posts and I think I’m reading the female version of David Sedaris. Ok, a more female version
Michael, that is the best compliment EVER. I love David Sedaris. Thank you, thank you.
Excellent post, wonderful narrative.
Cynthia, heh. Thanks. It’s certainly not poetry, but it’s something at least.
Hi Dana,
Its been awhile since I last visited your blog. I was laughing so hard at this one. Yeah, David Cook is certainly hotness. He can certainly be Ashton to your Demi. Teehee
I’m so glad its not just me with the older lady type obsession with David Cook. Yes he is HOT!!